Hey, Elf on the Shelf, c’plain, I want to tell you something. Now I understand your “boss” restricts you from speaking with me, yet it’s been made extremely clear that you can pay attention, so you much better pay attention and pay attention good, you double-crossing bastard. Where I come from, snitches obtain stitches, so if you think I’m simply gon na let you sit there all complacent on your shelf knowing that as quickly as I go to sleep you’re gon na race off and rat me bent on Santa, you’re also dumber than you look. Which’s claiming something.
Simply who the hell do you assume you are, anyway? People are nice enough to invite you right into their residences, as well as you settle them by what? Informing on them? Just how do you rest at night? Oh, wait, that’s right. You don’t. You’re too busy spilling your guts to the large man, you two-faced sack of crap! But that’s all about to alter. You see, I’m not the just one sick of your shenanigans. Word on the street is if you do not alter your means, you’re gon na wind up the Elf on the Piece, you pointy eared prick.
So if you do not want to be “unintentionally” run down by a runaway Hess vehicle, you better begin minding your elfin business! Capisce? Currently, no person’s asking you to exist to Santa, they’re just “recommending” you to stop the snitching. That should not be as well hard, right? I’m sure you need to have much better points to do with your time. Would not you rather be painting stripes on candy canes or making dabble the remainder of your little friends? What do you leave spying for Santa, anyhow? Free lederhosen?
You understand, you’re starting to look a little worried. What’s wrong? Does Santa have something on you? Did among your elvin buddies rat you out? Or is Santa blackmailing you for some indiscretion at the office Christmas party? C’mon, you can tell me …
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Fine, just rest there. See if I care. Yet so aid me, if I awaken tomorrow and also you’re not still resting there, we’re gon na have troubles. What I do throughout the day is MY company. If Santa is so concerned regarding my actions, he can get off his fat ass and also look at me himself. Yet regarding he knows, I behave. And also I plan to maintain it in this way. Even if that implies I need to keep you right here. Do we have an understanding?
I can not tell from your empty expression, but I trust this little talk has actually been informing. Despite what you might have seen, I’m truly not such a crook, and also I in fact manage instead well with the rest of your ilk. Me and also the Keebler fairies are pretty tight, I’ve spent a lot of time taking a trip with my gnome, as well as the Tooth Fairy has actually always been respectfully treated. The difference is, none were snitches. So learn from your brethren and be the much better guy. No one suches as a rat.
Ideally this will be the last we mention this issue, yet if you require further proof that I mean business, simply have a look at that angel over there. She couldn’t maintain her big mouth closed as well as obtained a tree shoved up her ass. So unless you desire a shelf suppository, bear in mind: What occurs in my house remains in my house!